The Long Dark Revisited
At the start of this year, I wrote about the Long Dark and what it...
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
December 10, 2024 ·
3 mins read
It's a satchel!
I turned 45 last week. There is a whole long rumination I could write about...
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
October 29, 2024 ·
5 mins read
Slow down and let go
It’s been a crazy period, and I’ve been rushing along headlong. Once more into the...
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
July 12, 2024 ·
2 mins read
The hardest poly
It’s been several years, but I remember this moment vividly. My heart shriveling in my...
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
July 05, 2024 ·
2 mins read
Sinking beneath the waves
Content Warning: Kink, hypnosis, explicit mention of sexual acts
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
May 08, 2024 ·
4 mins read
How much writing advice was based on typewriters?
I remember the first time I used a typewriter. It was somewhere in the mid-80s,...
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
May 03, 2024 ·
3 mins read
Lucy in a kitten wig
My kitten and I had a huge argument today. Except: it wasn’t actually her, it...
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
January 31, 2024 ·
4 mins read
The Long Dark
It’s this time of year again, where it feels like it simply doesn’t get light...
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
January 16, 2024 ·
3 mins read
The Bodycount Riddle
Slowly you approach the Sphinx. It was a long journey, but the famed treasure is...
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
November 29, 2023 ·
3 mins read
The Art of Doing Nothing
As some of you may know, I’m a pretty devoted Bullet Journal user. It’s one...
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
November 22, 2023 ·
8 mins read
Book talk: the day after Halloween
I’d told myself that I’d give my book a fair shot by marketing it until...
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
November 01, 2023 ·
7 mins read
So, I'm probably heterosexual, but definitely not straight.
Wait, what? Isn’t that the same? No, I’d like to argue that it isn’t.
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
October 29, 2023 ·
4 mins read
My first guest blog: Cold Stone
Less of a post, than an announcement: I wrote my first guest blog!
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
October 27, 2023 ·
1 min read
Emotional Bleed
This week has been amazing and awful at the same time. Last weekend, my kitten...
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
September 30, 2023 ·
5 mins read
That moment of perfect compersion
I’ve written a lot about my fear and insecurities in connection with poly, so today,...
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
September 21, 2023 ·
1 min read
That one time in the elevator
When I was in my late 20s, my partner and I visited Yaoicon in San...
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
September 09, 2023 ·
3 mins read
So I wrote a book... but now the real work starts.
No, I’m not talking about promoting it. I’m talking about the emotional labour ahead.
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
August 31, 2023 ·
3 mins read
Running low on happy juice
I can feel it. Suddenly, I have a deep urge yo flirt with people, to...
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
August 16, 2023 ·
2 mins read
When enthusiasm turns to dread
My break from work has been amazing so far. I haven’t been bored for a...
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
July 21, 2023 ·
2 mins read
Telling yourself the Story
A while ago I wrote about how, the moment I started to take my writing...
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
July 17, 2023 ·
5 mins read
The Other Side of Fear
I was watching American Horror Story, and oh boy… did that make me uncomfortable.
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
June 30, 2023 ·
2 mins read
The Stick-shift Analogy
Where I talk about how trying to follow the neurotypical manual will lead to worse...
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
June 24, 2023 ·
4 mins read
Apparently I'm a demi slut
Content Warning: Mention of sexual activity
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
June 12, 2023 ·
5 mins read
I no longer feel like I'm constantly failing
I had a free Saturday today, after a fun but busy munch last night. So,...
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
June 03, 2023 ·
3 mins read
The Toxic Phrase
I promised I’d share some of the things I’ve learned during therapy, so here goes....
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
May 31, 2023 ·
3 mins read
The benefit of the doubt
I got a comment today that hit me pretty hard emotionally. By the phrasing it...
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
April 28, 2023 ·
4 mins read
The joy of Stuffies
It’s been a few weeks since I “graduated” my first series of therapy sessions. I’ll...
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
April 26, 2023 ·
4 mins read
Dealing with my internalised classism.
A while ago I was called out in the comments on one of my writings...
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
March 11, 2023 ·
12 mins read
Some resources about transphobia and 'social contagion'
Not too long ago a mainstream newspaper in the Netherlands (Volkskrant) did some reporting about...
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
March 10, 2023 ·
2 mins read
Punching Up versus Punching Down
So. Have you ever listened to a Black comedian say pretty insulting stuff about white...
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
February 13, 2023 ·
8 mins read
The fear of not being exceptional
So, another entry in our long-running series “Things that scare Ash”. I’ll probably be writing...
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
February 04, 2023 ·
4 mins read
Dropping the masks
Note: this is a bit long and rambling, just a bunch of thoughts I’ve been...
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
January 31, 2023 ·
5 mins read
The ghosts that live in our heads
Content Warning: Trauma
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
December 23, 2022 ·
3 mins read
I don't want to be rewarded with sex
Something that has been stuck in my mind for a while now. My formative years...
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
December 15, 2022 ·
4 mins read
Another Little Step
Content Warning: Sexual activity
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
October 09, 2022 ·
1 min read
What drew me to D/s? Fear of rejection
Content Warning: BDSM
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
July 25, 2022 ·
4 mins read
My experiences getting a vasectomy
A few days ago there was talk about vasectomies again on my timeline, partially because...
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
May 12, 2022 ·
9 mins read
Be Brave
In my list of recent insights, I included “Be Brave”. This one has special meaning...
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
April 14, 2022 ·
1 min read
Things I wished I knew a decade ago
Content Warning: Mention of sex and kink
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
April 09, 2022 ·
7 mins read
I don't love any men
So yeah, showerthoughts they call it. That moment when you just let your brain run...
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
January 29, 2022 ·
2 mins read
I asked about my consent violations...
… and I’d like to share my experiences.
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
January 23, 2022 ·
5 mins read
The Dark Side of Daddy
Content Warning: Mention of BDSM
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
January 20, 2022 ·
2 mins read
Toxic stoicism
On my Fetlife timeline today there was a post by a woman asking for help...
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
December 24, 2021 ·
2 mins read
Lucy
Content Warning: Mental health problems
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
December 07, 2021 ·
1 min read
Fear is the mind-killer (Left behind pt 2)
Content Warning: Mental health problems, depression
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
November 03, 2021 ·
4 mins read
Feeling left behind
Content Warning: Mental health problems
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
October 03, 2021 ·
3 mins read
I don't get to opt out
A little while ago I was on a very lovely first date with some really...
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
July 28, 2021 ·
4 mins read
The Joy of (n)orgasms
Content Warning: Sexual content
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
June 01, 2021 ·
4 mins read
Full Disclosure
We have had this rule, ever since we started. It was mostly a result of...
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
March 03, 2021 ·
3 mins read
Hurting yourself the sporty way
I hurt myself today, to know that I still feel. I focus on the pain,...
Posted by
Ashtar Deza
on
December 25, 2019 ·
3 mins read
