Grizzled Sergeant Mode

Lately, I’ve been helping several friends with DIY stuff around the house. For years, I thought I was bad with my hands, but in reality I’ve gotten pretty proficient at a lot of stuff. The benefits of an ADHD brain and hyperfocus, combined with now being medicated and just well … older.

In the past, if someone would ask me to help them, I’d say: “sure, leave it up to me.”

These days, I’ve been trying to cultivate something I like to call “Grizzled Sergeant Mode”. The name kind of came about at Ampersand, where I helped with logistics, but wasn’t part of the core team.

GSM is where I basically say:

You’re in charge. Tell me what you need and I’ll give you options. If you want something in a way I hadn’t considered yet, I might ask questions to make sure I understand it, but I won’t argue with you.

I’m here to help, to make sure things get done, but not to take over. It’s your job, it gets done your way.

In the past, I’d be more likely to say: “What do you need? Sure, here… let me do it.”

In itself, helping someone by just doing something for them can be kindness, but it can also rob them of their agency. It centers you, instead of them.

The realisation that made me change my style was this: I was taking over because I was insecure and eager to prove my competence and worth. Admitting that I hadn’t considered something made me feel ashamed because of imposter syndrome.

The thing is though: I really don’t need to show off. Because …. drum roll … my worth is not determined by what I can do.

My worth lies in who I am, and the kindness I show to others.

It had been a while since I’d written that out, so here it is. A little reminder to myself.