Into the Groove

Back when it happened, I didn’t really write about it, but last year I switched my ADHD meds. I’d been on long-working methylphenidate (AKA Concerta), and I switched to Lisdexamphetamine (Elvanse / Vyvanse) as the final part of my therapy.

Pretty quickly, I noticed several changes. I had much less executive dysfunction, more energy and most importantly: I regained my full range of emotion. I hadn’t really been aware of it so much while I was on methyl, but once I switched to lisdex, I felt really happy (and really horny too!) again. It was like the top 10% of my emotions had been missing on methyl, and I’d now gotten them back.

So, the switch itself was awesome, and I’m still very happy I switched. The big challenge however, was that getting my full emotions back also meant getting the full force of my anxiety again. Well fuck.

Now, I realised this would be the case and I made a conscious decision to go ahead anyway, hoping that the tools I’d learned in therapy would help me deal with the deeper parts of my anxiety. I’m happy to say that I was right in that estimate. I’ve had some shitty moments, but in general I haven’t descended into the depths of despair like I used to. Yay therapy!

Most importantly: I felt like my old self again in many ways. My brain felt like I remembered it, pre covid and pre burn-out. I felt like I had my old mental acuity back for the first time in a long, long time.

But that groove from the title… what’s the deal there?

Well, turns out that my first response to feeling like I had something resembling my old capabilities back, I slipped right back into heaping too much work and responsibility on myself.

At first, it felt good to be driven and inspired again, but after a while I met that old friend: the feeling of constantly failing, of not doing enough.

I felt that I should be writing more, both fiction and essays. The world was on fire, it needed my voice! I’d started building a platform to publish my own fiction on, and that morphed into a hugely ambitious plan to host a federated platform for all authors.

So, I slipped back into that familiar old groove. I tired myself out.

Luckily, I wasn’t completely relapsing. I felt myself tire, and I decided to take some downtime, and work hard to make it actual downtime.

I got myself a little cottage for a few days, by myself. I brought my laptop and bicycle. I cycled, journaled and wrote notes. More importantly, I logged out of all social media platforms, and only stayed in touch with friends through phone or messenger.

I read a lot, and took the time for my mind to slow down. I confronted a bunch of poly anxieties I’d been having, and I took stock of what I was doing, where I was putting my energy.

At some deep level, I still feel that my worth lies in what I produce. The things I write and create. But it doesn’t.

My worth lies in who I am, how I treat those around me. If I never write another essay or story, that does not diminish me in any way. If from now on, I just do my job and never publish another open source project, that still doesn’t diminish me.

I often joke that I write these kinds of posts as a reminder to myself, but I really do. This is in part to remind future me that it’s enough to just be.

Time to once again climb out of the groove. I hear the view up top is nice.