Running low on happy juice

I can feel it. Suddenly, I have a deep urge yo flirt with people, to post nudes, anything to get a boost.

It’s not coming from a good place, though. It makes sense. Last week was hellish. I spent another day in the emergency room with my mum, and several days after worrying.

I’ve been here before. The pernicious thing is that it sneaks up on me. This morning, I took some nudes, and at that moment, it felt that I was doing it because I felt good. I’d gone running, and my energy was up.

Just now, though, I felt it clearly all of a sudden. The urge to flirt with people. Not with my partners, not with the people I date. New people, unknown people.

It’s not actually about sex. I’ve learned that. If it was about sex, I’d flirt with the people that I know. The people who are enthusiastic about being with me.

It’s about persuading someone. About winning someone over. About being chosen.

A while ago, I got sent a video on Instagram that hit me like a ton of bricks. It was about the effects of having an emotionally unavailable parent. In essence, if you had a parent who tended to prioritise something else over you, it becomes a goal in itself to win their attention.

You don’t look for the people who choose you for your sake. You specifically start looking for people who initially don’t choose you so that you can convince them to pick you. To make them see that you are, in fact, worthy of their attention.

I recognised this pattern in myself. I recognise it today. What I’m feeling is just low dopamine, mixed with exhaustion. It’s waking up old coping mechanisms.

I’m not going to do it. Instead, I chose to write this. I did keep the nude, and I might post it at some point. But I want it to be for the right reasons.