Apparently I'm a demi slut
My kitten and I went to Neuq (basically a sex-positive swinger party aimed at the BDSM crowd) yesterday, and we had a lovely time with lots of cuddles and fun talks. We didn’t actually get hot and heavy with anyone though. I would have expected to be sad about that, but in fact it was very much OK. I actually learned a few things about myself, and I’d like to share those.
The biggest revelation was about anonymous sex. I used to fantasize a lot about anonymous encounters, being allowed to fuck people that I completely didn’t know. Hell, I recently wrote erotica about it. Turns out, that the reality is different though.
When we went upstairs there was a lot of sex going on, but I caught myself doing a mental eye-roll about a lot of it. I had to dig a little deeper why I felt like that. I tend to be pretty sex-positive and I identify as a slut. So why did I have that weirdly judgemental reaction? After a little digging I figured out that it was because it reminded me of porn. I haven’t watched porn in ages, not because I think there’s anything wrong with porn, but because it hardly ever does anything for me. The only porn that I tended to enjoy was where you could actually tell that the people were having fun.
I realised that I have changed: now that I am no longer sex starved, I’m very much open to fucking fun people (and love doing so!), but sex for sex’ sake just doesn’t hold much appeal for me any more. So, seeing these people (who were probably having a ton of fun, so more power to them!), didn’t do much for me and mostly made me feel… well, bored. I love watching people have a really connective play session, I love watching people having connective sex, but I learned it’s the connection I love to watch.
What I did really enjoy was being flirty. I noticed how much safety I got from the bracelets. If someone was wearing a green bracelet I felt more safe to make flirty remarks or jokes. I asked for and received hugs from people I didn’t really know. It was a really good feeling to know that while I could obviously get a “No”, that as long as someone was wearing a green bracelet it was at least OK to ask.
Generally I find it pretty difficult to make new connections at parties. Munches are much easier for me, since they always feel like an environment where just approaching someone is more welcomed. It also helped a lot that the music volume was low enough that I could have actual conversations, since I’m truly hopeless at deciphering body language generally.
One of the highlights in the evening was landing in a cuddle pile with people of various gender identities. At one point I just felt hands everywhere on my skin, and I didn’t really know which hand belonged to who. I found that I liked that idea, and that I didn’t need or even want to know. I was just deeply enjoying the touches and sensations.
I’ve written in the past about my problems connecting with men, so I was really happy to notice how deeply safe it all felt. I asked several people in the pile consent to touch them and received it. It was just a very warm and wholesome feeling. It felt like growth that I can now enjoy the very primal pleasure of skin contact with fellow humans, regardless of their gender identity.
So yeah, all in all it was a very lovely and educational day. It kind of felt like a munch with the option of getting physical, which is just perfect for me.
But yeah, I may be a slut… but I’m apparently a lot more demi than I thought. I don’t need to know you for a long time to have sex, but I am learning more and more that it’s much more about the energy between us than pure physical attraction. I need to have a sense of who you are.
It was very good to see how much I have changed, how much my sexuality had changed. I’m looking forward to learning more!
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