Ashtar Deza
by Ashtar Deza
1 min read


  • Blog


  • Jealousy
  • Mental health
  • Polyamory
Content warnings: Mental health problems

I’m struggling again.

My long-time companion Lucy whispers in my ear, poisonous lies, words meant to cut and hurt.

Telling me he’s everything I’m not, how nobody really likes me, how my love will wake up some morning and wonder what possessed her to waste her time on me.

Lucy whispers and whispers, smiling like a contented cat. I’m the only one who truly loves you she says. I have always kept you safe, I’ll be with you to the end. All these others, they’ll leave you. They’ll go. I’m all you can depend on.

I tell her to shut up, mentally bat at her but she avoids me with practised ease. This demon on my shoulder, my protector, my burden, my scars.

I grit my teeth, straighten my shoulders. I know she lies, she always does. Anything to get the job done. When there is nobody around me there is nobody that can hurt me. The logic is as impeccable as it is cold.

She calls me weak, she calls me pathetic, she calls me unlovable. Every insult ever levied at me she diligently wrote down for future use and she brings them all to bear right now.

Once more into the breach we go, a battle of wills. I will hear her but not heed her. She will not guide my actions, she will not direct my words.

Lucy, my love, my burden, my pain. Just shut the fuck up.

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